Iron Age Gold


In the world of sad outdoor pursuits for middle aged losers who live at home with their mother, people often assume that train spotting is king... but they'd be wrong. There is an amateur hobby even more likely to blow your chances on a date when the topic turns to "so, what are you into?" and that is metal detecting.

Just before Christmas, however, Mark Hambleton (single) and Joa Kania (also single) were dirt fishing / MDing / wondering where their lives had gone wrong in a farmer's field in Staffordshire when they figuratively struck oil.

What they unearthed was so incredible that the world's leading scientists all agree that nothing will ever be the same again. The find included four twisted gold torcs and a bracelet and is believed to be the earliest example of iron age jewellery ever discovered by someone who has never kissed a girl... or, indeed, anyone.

The discovery was revealed at a press conference where experts claimed the jewellery could date back as far as 400BC. Tony Robinson himself stated the huge significance and international importance as it could finally indicate the migration patterns of iron age communities, which we can all agree is right up there with "who shot JFK?" and "why did Leslie Ash do that to herself?" as a question that plagues humanity.

These same experts wildly stabbed in the dark that the jewellery was the property of powerful women from continental Europe who hit the UK in order to marry our heartthrob tribal chiefs. Archaeologists, on the other hand, reckon the find was originally buried as a religious offering to God completely ignoring the fact the Christianity didn't hit Britain until Augustine brought it in 597AD and that we were probably worshiping some pagan goat monster or other.

The Pope has yet to comment.