Pointless Bling

YOU WISH YOU OWNED

Diamond Chess Set

Ah... the Sport of Kings.


A tool used to develop critical thinking, strategy and intelligence. So what is one to do if one is a 'bit of a thicko'?


Easy, buy this £5million set and let people assume you're a genius.


Diamond Hot Wheels

Does anybody really love their kid enough to buy them a £72,000 toy car?


"But mummy, it's 18ct white gold and bespangled with 2,700 blue Diamonds!"


...shut up and clean your room


24k Gold Bike

With a name like a James Bond villain, it's little surprise that Hugh Power has decided to model his entire career on being a real world Goldfinger.


This is his ridiculous 24k plated extreme mountain bike at half a million 'squids'.


Gold Boxing Gloves

Yellow gold and Diamond boxing gloves make a statement only Floyd Mayweather would be able to back up.


At £13,000, these bad boys are "iced out in front and back" but only 3 inches in size... again, perfect for Mr Mayweather


Gold Belt Buckle

This solid gold belt buckle by Swiss resource waster Roland Iten is described as "hi-precision" and takes 9-10 months to knock together, so if you've found your belt buckles just too inaccurate in the past, this is for you.


No price given = speedboat money


Gold Ear Buds

Happy Plugs are ecstatic every time some poor sap buys a pair of their 18ct solid gold ear buds at £9,800 a pop.


Each bud weighs a staggering 25 grams... so, using the power of maths I deduce the total weight would be 50 grams of naff hanging out of your head!


18ct GameBoy

The most popular gaming device in history has been crying out for a solid 18ct gold version for long enough!


£16,250 is a small price to pay for the sheer decadence of playing TETRIS on the toilet on a golden GAMEBOY


Diamond Dummy

This £11,000 dummy was created (apparently) for Shiloh Jolie-Pitt, the unfortunately named daughter of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt.


White gold and 279 diamonds

...they don't help themselves do they?


Platinum iPhone Case

£37,770,000


...just let that sink in for a moment.


37.7 MILLION!


New York based designers Falcon have redefined the term 'niche market' with this platinum and pink Diamond iPhone 6


£29 Pot Noodle

£29 for a Pot Noodle!

Where did you get it, Harrods?


...er, yeah actually. It's hand-flocked in gold leaf with a fork and table linen.


Unsurprisingly, the flavour is "Poulet et Champignon" ...not Chip Shop Curry


£580 Cupcake

I'm betting nobody wants to 'go dutch' when this is ordered... a £580 cupcake.


Le Dolci Bakery in Toronto's press release state this is an "edible chocolate cup garnished with crunchy edible pearls and dusted with 24-karat gold flakes" like it's a good thing.


£1m Handbag

Universal truths:


  • Women love Diamonds
  • Women love Handbags

Women will therefore fall unconscious or burst into flames at the sight of this £1,000,000 Diamond handbag by Japanese woman expert Ginza Tanaka


This is exactly the kind of stuff that I imagine Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch was crammed with during the Thriller years. It is the commercial manifestation of 'Nouveau Riche', like when that kid won the National Lottery, bought a mansion, built a motocross track in the back garden and lost it all in a frenzy of tastelessness.


Like high art, gothic architecture and all other 'fine things', jewellery is so much more than the sum of it's parts, more than a collection of components, whereas this stuff is just... well, naff.


At Arthur Read Jeweller we stand behind the pieces we sell as they are made by fine craftsmen with generations of pedigree. Our jewellery has been individually selected to compliment each other, our business and our customers by staff with over 70 years combined experience who know the difference between something worth owning and a rose gold plated fashion watch with faux "Diamonds chucked at it".