Watches For Idiots

HOROLOGICAL HORRORS FOR HALFWITS

Urwerk

UR-1001

Do you crave the old-timey pretentiousness of a pocket watch but with all the unnecessary functions that come with modern horological over-engineering?


BOOM, you’re prayers have just been answered.

£260,000


Devon

STAR WARS

Can anyone say ‘cash in‘? To commemorate the release of Star Wars: The Force Awakens, Devon are screaming down the Death Star trench and into a high-end watch specialist near you.


Includes FREE Tie Fighter cufflinks.

£18,500


Romain Jerome

SPACECRAFT

Apparently inspired by Blade Runner (really?), this lump of metal and cogs looks more like a roof rack luggage case than a wrist watch.


Striving to innovate, RJ have moved the hours and minutes to actual different sides of the watch, y’know, for ease of use.

£14,400


Rebellion

T-1000 GOTHAM

Terminator reference: check.
Batman reference: check.
...oh, crap, we forgot about Aliens, Predator and Robocop! Quick, rename it to the T-1000 Gotham Sulaco ‘Get To The Chopper’ watch and see if anyone will buy that for a dollar!

£65,000


Parmigiana

BUGATTI 370 REVELATION

I wonder how much of a Veyron the price tag on this thing would get you? I reckon at least the wheels and furry dice. Also, why does it look more like it was modelled on Captain Kirk’s walkie talkie?


…almost a 1/4 of a million pounds.

£242,750


Ollivier Saveo

PETROLEUM

The bezel has a design based on the connecting pieces between the cylinders of oil pipelines and there is a small capsule that can be filled with petroleum placed at the 6 o’clock position.


…and that is the selling point? It's aesthetically an oil pipe?

£61,700


Miki Eleta

TIMEBURNER

I think ‘timeburner’ is the perfect way to describe what Miki Eleta considered this design project.


The hook here, and I suspect the cart that came before the horse, is that the minutes are indicated by a piston on the left hand side… amazing.

£8,350


MB&F

HMX: HOROLOGICAL MACHINE X

Celebrating their 10th birthday (hence the X in the name), MB&F are banging this mess out with zero margin for their lucky existing customers. If this has cost £20k to make I’ll… well, I don’t know what I’ll do. This is the internet and I could be held accountable.

£19,700


MB&F

HM3: MEGAWIND

This watch, the HM3, is apparently MB&F’s most popular model. They are releasing a limited edition end of line version with the “addition of luminent for the 1st time“. That’s glow in the dark numbers to you and me, something a 10-bob CASIO has.

£60,600


MB&F

HOROLOGICAL MACHINE 5

This slab here is apparently modelled on a Lamborghini Miura (really?). It’s features include a case that isn’t water resistant, exhaust pipes, rear louvres (I’m not making this up, I swear) and a rubber strap. All essential parts of a truly pants wristwatch.

£41,600


HYT

SKULL

There is nothing like sticking a skull where it doesn’t belong to really sell something, although I’m not sure ‘goths‘ and ‘emos‘ have £60k as walking around money. This, clearly, bad-ass timekeeper uses liquid to tell the time… see that snot coloured tube going round the skull? There you go, it’s approximately 2 o’clock give or take 10 minutes.

£58,000


HYT

H3

Another liquid based nightmare from HTY. Same principal as the crappy skull thing above but this time they added an analogue minute hand and hours are on these rotating block things …so, wait, what is the snot tube telling me? Oh well, at least it’s only the price of a speedboat.

£208,064


Hublot

MP05

They say “An imposing piece, it’s dials bring to mind the impressive mechanical engineering involved in a Ferrari engine.”I say “An eyesore, it’s overly complex workings bring to mind the impressive detachment from reality involved in a pretentious watch designer’s thought process.

£210,000


Division Furtive

TYPE 50

Okay, this one is only £150 but it’s still rubbish. You could buy a solid, proper watch for not much more than that. One that doesn’t claim to have Back To The Future‘s Flux Capacitor as it’s inspiration. “Marty! Do you know what this means!! Your watch is crap.”

£150


Devon

TREAD 2

I hate these things. There was a trend a couple of years ago where arty farty watch designers all simultaneously discovered tape measures and shoe horned them into their new models. It’s like they are trying to make these things impractical. I mean, look at the size of it, also, talk about an expensive service! You can buy a Rolex Explorer II for the same money.

£6,650


De Bethune

DREAM WATCH 5

This thing looks like it was designed by Hugo Gernsback… like it’s from the 1950’s as envisioned by the 1920’s. As a design style, I love it, I can’t get enough aluminium roadside diners with useless but stylish radiating metalwork… however, as a wristwatch it looks uncomfortable and awkward.

£29,000


Christophe Claret

X-TREM-I

Firstly, X-TREM-1 stands for ‘Experimental Time Research Engineering Mechanism‘… they are in NO WAY just trying to spell out extreme in a cool way. Secondly, this pile measures time by moving some balls up and down a tube.

£196,500


Azimuth

SP-I LANDSHIP

Heavily inspired by early World War I tanks


…so those brave men didn't die for nothing

£4,500


The watches featured in this article are, obviously I hope, being ridiculed with my tongue firmly in my cheek. That being said however, high concept watches like these do nothing to improve the user experience, they only dilute the necessity of seeing what time it is into some convoluted dance through a shrubbery maze of the designers construction.